STOP Telling People They Have To Forgive The Abuser – Here’s Why

Unpopular Opinion:

You DO NOT have to forgive an abuser in order to heal.

The act of forgiveness is often defined as “stopping the feeling of anger or resentment towards someone for an offense, flaw, or mistake,” or even “canceling” the transgression.

3 Problems With The Idea That You Have To Forgive The Abuser

When it comes to abuse, there’s a common belief that forgiving an abuser is necessary to move forward. I personally have been told that many times. I strongly disagree with this idea. You can achieve healing and lead a happy, fulfilling life while still allowing space for anger and resentment towards the person who caused you harm, or towards the abuse itself. I know, because I have done it in my own life. I’ve achieved peace and happiness, while still holding space for the valid lack of forgiveness toward my abuser. In my perspective, telling people they need to forgive an abuser in order to heal presents three problems.

1. This Idea Takes Away Choice (Again)

The first challenge that arises when you tell someone they *have* to forgive an abuser is that you are taking away their choice. When they were abused, their choice was taken away, and now again, their choice is being taken away by telling them specifically how they have to feel about an abuser.

2. Anger and Resentment Are Appropriate and Valid Responses

The second challenge in forgiving an abuser stems from the fact that anger and resentment are natural and justified responses to the act of abuse. These emotions are healthy and valid. Attempting to detach these emotions from the memory of abuse is like convincing your body to accept the unacceptable. It’s important to clarify that this doesn’t mean you need to become emotionally overwhelmed or distraught every time you recall a past event, aka go into fight-or-flight mode. Instead, anger and resentment can exist peacefully in your heart on your journey to healing (I explain how at the end of this post).

3. Likelihood of Repeat Abuse Increases With Lack Of Appropriate Boundaries

The third thing I think is important to bring up is that a lack of forgiveness helps maintain safe and healthy boundaries from those who are likely to re-offend.

So, what is the path to healing from abuse?

First and foremost, seek the guidance of a mental health professional who can assist you through this process. Particularly, seek one who specializes in the type of abuse you’ve experienced. They can expertly guide you through the healing process. You can check out this list as a starting place for online therapy options.

In my personal experience, working through abuse with a therapist involved several key steps:

1. Creating Space for the Trauma:

My therapist provided a safe space for me to share my story and process my experiences. I was able to put a voice to it in a way I hadn’t before.

2. Validating the Experience:

She helped me articulate the fact that I was violated and that the abuse was not my choice. She reaffirmed that my feelings were a natural and valid reaction.

3. Identifying Current Impact:

We explored how the trauma was affecting my life in the present. There are many ways abuse can manifest, identifying where it is causing you issues is vital. In my case, it manifested as low self-esteem in specific situations.

4. Creating a Transformative Plan:

We devised a clear plan for necessary changes. For instance, I replaced self-deprecating thoughts with affirmations that I consciously chose to believe about myself. I reminded myself that my self-deprecating beliefs were a result of abuse and that I was regaining control of my life by rejecting them. If you are still in an abusive relationship currently, this step would involve creating a safe exit strategy, too.

Notice that forgiveness of the abuser wasn’t a part of the healing journey. The abuser wasn’t part of the healing journey at all, actually. Healing centers around empowering someone to make positive changes and regain control of their life. An abuser plays no role in this process.

As I progressed in countering the negative impact of abuse on my life, I found myself at peace when recalling past events. Though I no longer experience a physical reaction of anger and resentment (fight-or-flight mode), those words accurately describe my feelings toward the events. The abuse wasn’t forgiven, erased, or forgotten; rather, its impact was eradicated from my life. I live in peace, while choosing not to extend forgiveness.