Gentle parenting is an approach to parenting that emphasizes empathy, respect, and understanding of your child’s needs and emotions. It is a parenting style that focuses on building a strong relationship with your child, promoting positive behavior, and avoiding punishment and negative reinforcement. In recent years, it has been gaining popularity due to its positive impact on emotional health and the parent-child relationship. Today I am going to share 10 tips for gentle parenting to help you build a stronger, healthier relationship with your child.
Unfortunately, our generation of parents largely did not have gentle parenting modeled to us, so while we might know what parenting behaviors to avoid as a gentle parent, we often don’t know what concrete actions we can replace those with. If you are looking for ways to become a more gentle parent, here are some concrete actions you can take towards that goal. If you are just starting your gentle parenting journey, you might want to read ‘What is gentle parenting?’ first.
1. Practice active listening
One of the most important things you can do as a gentle parent is to practice active listening. This means paying attention to your child when they are speaking, and really trying to understand what they are saying. It is important to avoid interrupting them, and to acknowledge their feelings and perspectives.
Active listening involves understanding the emotions behind your child’s words, especially during tantrums or big emotions. Verbalizing their feelings with questions, such as “Are you feeling frustrated right now?” can help them feel heard and validated. Once you understand their emotions, suggest coping strategies while normalizing their feelings. For example, “It’s okay to feel frustrated. One thing I do when I feel frustrated is take a break and read a book. What do you think would help you?” This approach allows children to experience their emotions without shame while giving them concrete steps forward.
2. Use positive reinforcement
Positive reinforcement is an important part of gentle parenting. This means praising your child when they do something right, rather than focusing on what they are doing wrong. For example, instead of scolding your child for spilling their drink, you could say, “Wow, you did a great job cleaning that up!”
I’ve been taking it another step recently by verbally reinforcing that there is no shame in their ‘mistake’. For example: “This isn’t a big deal, even I spill my drink sometimes. Let me help you get a new one!” My knee-jerk reaction when they make a mess is to groan, or act annoyed, which implies that (1) your child is annoying – kids are HARD – but you don’t want your kids to feel that they are an inconvenience (2) there is shame in their mistake. How can you expect your children to come to you with big mistakes and problems in their future, when you can’t even handle spilled milk? This one is hard for me to do, but since I have started being conscious about my reaction when my kids are more difficult, I’ve noticed improvement in their ability to communicate with me about bigger feelings in their hearts.
Lately, I’ve also been drawing attention to moments when my kids are best friends to help with their sibling arguments. When my kids are getting along, I say things like “Wow, you guys are playing so nicely together. I bet it feels great that you have each other as best friends.” This positive reinforcement has helped my kids become better friends and work out their arguments more quickly on their own. While they still argue like siblings do, they have more moments of friendship and fun together.
3. Avoid punishment
Punishment can be harmful to a child’s emotional well-being, and lead to negative behavior in the long run. Instead of punishing your child, try to redirect their behavior. For example, if a younger child is throwing a tantrum, you could try to distract them with a book. For older children you can reason with them, “I know you are really upset, but it isn’t ok to yell. Do you think a hot bath would help you feel better? Would you like to talk about your feelings?” My kids’ angry feelings often melt away when I show that I want to take care of them. Sometimes they stay angry, and that’s okay too. It’s crucial for children to feel safe expressing big emotions. Punishment can convey to children that their emotions are wrong or bad. This can lead to suppression of emotions rather than learning healthy ways to cope and move through them.
4. Set clear boundaries
While gentle parenting focuses on avoiding punishment, it is still important to set clear boundaries for your child. This means letting them know what behaviors are acceptable and what behaviors are not. It is important to explain these boundaries in a calm and respectful way.
For instance, I have a child who loves to argue and debate with me when I say no. They sometimes continue arguing for an hour or more, even after I’ve provided a clear explanation for my decision. To set a boundary I say, “I’m not going to keep arguing with you about this, but I’m here to support you in other ways.” This response remains consistent every time my child tries to prolong the argument. By doing this, I convey that I am attentive to their feelings, while also respecting my personal boundaries.
5. Respect their body autonomy
Gentle parenting involves respecting your child’s body autonomy and teaching them to respect other people’s boundaries. This means asking for their consent before touching them, respecting their choices about their own body, and not forcing them to do anything they are not comfortable with, such as hugging or kissing anyone. Teaching children about body autonomy from a young age can help them develop a healthy sense of self and learn to respect other people’s boundaries as well.
Sometimes as a parent, you may find yourself in situations where you have to do things that could make your child feel like you are not respecting their body autonomy. For instance, ensuring that they are buckled in their car seat, or dropping them off at preschool. In these moments, it’s helpful to offer your child options. For example, “In order to keep your body safe, you have to be buckled in your car seat. Would you like to buckle yourself, or should I do it for you?” or “I know it’s tough going to preschool. Do you want to walk in, or should I carry you?” If your child is too upset to respond, you can communicate what is happening, “I’m going to carry you into preschool now”. By giving your child choices, you are reinforcing that they have the right to make decisions about their body.
6. Be present
Being present is an essential aspect of gentle parenting. This involves spending quality time with your child, actively listening to them, and being available to them when they need you. It’s important to put aside distractions, such as phones and screens, and focus on your child. If I’m in the middle of something that I need to finish, I say to my child, “I want to give you 100% of my attention. Can you wait for a minute while I finish this activity so that I can be fully focused on you?”. I also set aside dedicated time each week and each day for each of my kids. For example, I sit with them as they fall asleep each night. Every Sunday, we have “kid day,” which is a few hours of phone-free time to do activities that are 100% focused on our kids and family time.
7. Be patient
Gentle parenting requires patience and understanding as children are still learning and growing. Model self-control to help in difficult moments. For instance, when a child has a tantrum in public, avoid yelling, threatening or bribing them to stop. Instead, remain calm and use active listening techniques. Remember that your responsibility is your child’s emotional health and well-being, not making others comfortable. Being patient is challenging. Apologize to your child if you lose your cool, and remind them that patience is your goal, and what they deserve.
8. Apologize to your child
It’s important to apologize to your children when you make a mistake or lose your calm. This models accountability and healthy communication. No one is perfect all the time. Even with the best intentions we all can lose patience with our children. Children learn from their parents’ actions, and if they see their parents taking responsibility for their mistakes, they are more likely to do the same. Additionally, apologizing to your child shows them that you value their feelings and respect their perspective. It can help to use “I” statements, such as “I’m sorry I raised my voice at you, that was not okay,” rather than deflecting blame or making excuses.
Don’t use their behavior as a reason for your actions. Remember, your child is never responsible for your mistakes, even if they make a situation more challenging. It is important to communicate this to your children and model taking responsibility for your own actions. This helps set them up for success in future relationships. It shows them they never deserve to be treated poorly, and are allowed to set their own boundaries, even with people they love.
9. Model good behavior
Children learn by example, so it is important to model good behavior for them. This means treating others with respect, being kind and empathetic, and managing your own emotions in a healthy way. By modeling these behaviors, you are showing your child how to interact with the world in a positive way. Children are paying attention way more than you think they are.
10. Treat your child as an equal
Treating your child as an equal, rather than establishing a hierarchy within your home, is another important aspect of gentle parenting. This means valuing their opinions and ideas, and involving them in decision making when appropriate. It also means avoiding the use of power struggles and punishments, and instead finding ways to work collaboratively to solve problems and address challenging behaviors. When we treat our children as equals, we model respectful communication and encourage mutual trust and cooperation. This can lead to a more harmonious home life and stronger parent-child relationships.
“Because I said so” is an emotionally damaging and outdated phrase. It teaches your child to suppress their negative feelings about a situation, rather than trusting themselves. It’s a thought-stopping phrase that can hinder your child’s ability to make decisions for themselves in the future. If you need to make an executive decision involving your child, take time to explain the reasons behind your decision in a way they understand. Treating your child as an equal can help them feel valued and respected.
The first chapter of my favorite parenting book is titled “A Real Person Like Myself”, I find this phrase a helpful reminder when I am making decisions involving my children.
Gentle parenting has such a positive impact on the emotional health of children and the parent-child relationship. It is not easy to do, but absolutely worth the long term positive impacts. To become a more gentle parent, it is important to practice active listening, use positive reinforcement, avoid punishment, set clear boundaries, and respect your child’s body autonomy. These actions help promote a healthy relationship with your child and create an environment where they can thrive emotionally. By using these tips for gentle parenting, you can help your child feel heard, valued, and loved. This is crucial to their healthy emotional development, and self confidence.
Are you a gentle parent, or working towards that goal? If you are just getting started, I’d highly recommend reading The Conscious Parent. It is a great resource for parents who value the emotional health of their child.
